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realization

10 Jan

So, this morning I woke up before D did.  My back is still adjusting to the new bed so, as much as I wanted to stay in bed with him and cuddle, I didn’t.  😦 Ended up having a bowl of cereal and watching a couple episodes of The Cleveland Show.  Love that show!!  Not sure if I prefer it over Family Guy (as D does) but it is still immensely entertaining.

After a couple episodes I went to use the restroom (which is connected to the bedroom) and saw that D was awake.  So I laid down with him and ended up lubing up and crawling on top of him.  After sliding him into me I could see that he was very sensitive this morning (he’s uncircumcised so that brings a whole new set of rules into things lol) and made sure to start out slow.  We have discovered that it’s very good for both of us (him more, but that’s still uber good for me.  We’re both of the set where we get as much, if not more at times, pleasure from pleasing each other rather then ourselves.  Seriously.  If we’ve had to get up or something when we’re playing around and he’s lost his erection so we need to get him re-hard again…me playing with him doesn’t work.  He needs to get me off in order to get hard again.) is where I have one leg up and the other bent on the bed while I’m on top.  I am able to get a whole new angle that way.

I was really getting him off that way and his cock was brushing against my cervix very nicely but then..naturally…I got a fucking cramp in my thigh!! Ugh.. >.< So, I ended up going with a position that’s kind of an old faithful where I’m leaned forward quite a lot, and am able to fuck him nice and hard and fast 🙂 So, I got him off nice and well!  *laughs* He came so hard that when I got off of him it dripped right out of me and onto him *giggles* Yea, I love messy sex!!

So anyway, after all that and after cleaning up D was wide awake, but I thought I was a little sleepy and wanted to take a nap.  (Turned out I just needed some after sex cuddles, which is why I’m here now LOL) So D was sweet enough to crawl into bed with me and cuddle so I could relax.  As I was laying there we chatted back and forth a bit, cuddled and fucked around with each other a little.  (tickling, poking, things like that.) During this, I realized something.  Well, a couple things.

First off is that a small piece of me does miss a Dominance and submission relationship.  However, I’ve discovered that a lot of my attraction to it (personally, for me, not for others) is that I was able to just throw out the responsibility of making my own decisions, of accepting the consequences of my actions.  Regarding the decision making that is.  Of course if I disobeyed I was punished, etc. I do find D/s to be incredibly beautiful when it is successful, and I have the joy of seeing several successful D/s relationships through some of my friends 🙂

I was coming to some of these thoughts this morning ‘cuz of something D did, that he often does.  When we decided we wanted to have sex, he first made sure that I truly wanted it.  Then, he allowed me to choose the position.  Even when he chooses the position, he still makes sure I’m okay with it.  If he wants doggy, but I am really in the mood for missionary, me on top, anal, or whatever he always, always makes sure I still get what I want.  Perhaps we’ll start with doggy then switch to what I want.  Or vice versa.  Or, I really want doggy but want him to cum in me while I’m on top.  He’ll make sure we fit in everything I want.

It’s so weird! I mean, it’s incredibly sweet and all that… I’m just so not used to it! Kinda like him last night.  I was way horny, but he wasn’t in the mood even after some fondling so I just grabbed a toy and took care of myself.  *shrugs* no big deal.  He’s allowed to not be in the mood, ya know??  Sometimes the body doesn’t want what the mind does, and vice versa.  But, I could see that he was scared I would be mad at him.  Not at all!  Even after I was all “it’s alright, that’s your right, I can do this and be fine” and all he still came up to me later and kissed me and apologized.  Then I said “what? do you expect me to bitch you out?” and he basically said yes.  That’s what he’s used to.  I asked if that would make him feel better and of course it wouldn’t! LOL but still.  Anyway, he was just so worried I was okay with it all.  I’m still adjusting to someone so selfless.

But anyway, through all of this I’ve discovered the joy of asserting myself again.  Of being able to say “Babe, I want scallops for supper.” and not being afraid of the reaction.  Of knowing deep within myself that if he says he doesn’t want that, how does salad work, or whatever, is because he’s just being honest with me.  But more than that, the true pleasure is in that he actually does that!!

See, with my estranged husband, he would have just had the scallops and resented the hell out of it, then gotten made at me ‘cuz he had to have scallops.  He never once in our relationship gave us the chance to compromise.  I think that, with D and me, our incredible ability to compromise is one of the strongest points of our relationship.  I think it’s how we’ve been able to move as fast as we have and things are still as wonderful as ever.  We ensure that each other has our own time (like I’m on my laptop right now, he’s on his own computer doing his own thing.) If we need to be in another room we both accept that as a reality of life.  We respect each others neuroses and privacy.  Like, he doesn’t read my blog.  If he’s sitting next to me while I’m writing it sometimes he catches thing but that’s fine.  He’s making his own blog right now (here on wordpress actually LOL) and the first thing I’ve done is to make sure to know if it’s private for him.  He simply said that if it was something he’d want private he’d likely have just gotten a journal and not told me about it *laughs* which is fine with me.  We’ve had *that* conversation so it’s all good.

But anyway, I’ve lost my point and am really rambling now.  So, it’s off I go!

 
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Posted by on January 10, 2010 in about the jessie beth

 

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