(This was, for the most part, written Friday at work. For me, writing this was sort of therapeutic. I’m only adding a few things here and there to help it make sense, to both y’all and me. And probably to help myself cope and all that.)
Something that amazes me is how we all must conform. D and I last night had a very good and long talk about things like that. He has been dealing with shit all his life, ‘cuz he’s half black. If anything, it makes him even more of a minority. Not white, not black, not anything else. He’s mulatto. Especially where we live, it’s a major stigma.
Why must we all be so fake? It seems that so often, people aren’t happy unless they’re putting up a front of some kind. This is something that I’ve struggled with all my life. I’ve always been different, always had a different beat in my head than what others heard.
Being overweight, I was always teased a lot as a child and as such learned early on to not only hide my feelings but to hide what I truly am, to cut down on being ostracized and teased. As an adult now it’s a totally “hey go piss off” situation. But as an elementary school child, your survival mechanism kicks in and you learn (what I now know) are unhealthy habits. Hiding my feelings got even more ingrained as my stepdad was psychologically and emotionally abusive for the better part of my childhood and adolescence. I basically wasn’t allowed to show any emotion at all.
Since I couldn’t show emotion, I’ve become the mistress of bottling it all up and forgetting it’s there. As such, half the time anymore I have no idea what to do with the emotions I do have and feel. Which is sort of why I’m going to be forcing myself to write a few more of these posts over the next few weeks. Sort of self therapy to make me feel things and bleed it.
I can count on one hand the number of people who fully accepted me as who I am. I didn’t meet them until my 20’s. Until recently that is. (I love you all my Twitter buddies!!!) If anything, it’s all made me a stronger person, if not very sensitive as well. I have learned long and hard how to let things roll off my back. Sometimes it’s a good thing. Others times it lets me be a doormat.
My stubborn streak is kicking in again however. I need to make some changes. I refuse to be a doormat anymore. The catch is that I can also be quite rebellious. I’ll do something for the sake of proving my autonomy, proving that I can indeed do it. At least I used to. I became aware of it and make sure not to anymore.
The problem with that is that I haven’t asserted myself lately…well, for a few years actually. Mostly it’s regarding my parents. (If you follow me on twitter [@jesseebeth] you’ll have a basic idea of what’s going on around this) At 28 they think I should be living at home. Ever since my estranged husband and I separated 3 years ago they seem to think I am unable to live on my own. They don’t think I can make my own decisions and in fact have really never even tried to let me, let alone given me enough reign to do so. My mother doesn’t think I can have a real relationship since my marriage failed. She has told me that my relationship with D is temporary and short term (both, not one or the other) and that we are together solely for the face that we’re horny. It’s insulting really.
I have no idea what to do. I will do something, when I know that I will be mature and reasonable. When I am sure that I will not become petulant and rebellious.
It’s difficult for me though. I love my mom so much and she’s the only parent I have left. (maybe i’ll tell that story sometime). Her and my stepdad that is. (As an aside here’s another visual. I work with my mom and her best friend. Her best friend, and pretty much the whole family knew my mom and stepdad were getting married a whole week before me. I was also not invited to the wedding. Not that I could have gone, due to it being out of state, but that’s not the idea.) Anyway. I am also very protective of my mom as my father (her first husband) was physically abusive towards her. Nothing extreme. But a more than one time situation. The very idea of hurting her makes me want to be ill.
But. I cannot continue to be forced to live according to my parents idea of how I should live. I cannot continue to be forced to make decisions based upon my mom’s coping abilities, or lack thereof.
Part of this will probably be me looking for a new job. Me and D want to move out of the area (out West probably) but we both know it will be quite some time before we can do that. As I work with my mom and sit next to her best friend at work, pretty much everything I do is tracked. if I’m sick, late, everything.
My mom once accused me of babysitting so that I’d get sick, and thus could miss work. She’s told me to forget about D and find somebody who is rich. I said that D makes me happy and that’s more important. She very seriously said that no, it’s really not. In this day and age money is what’s important so I should find someone who has money. That then I wouldn’t have to worry about happiness ‘cuz I’d have money. There are so many things more important in life that money.
This is basically the same song and dance that I’ve been living for my whole life. Well, my whole late adolescence and adult life. When I was married she wanted my husband and I to give her our paychecks so she could just allot us money. *sighs*
I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s not as bad when I’m not working with her, so I think that’s the first thing I’ll do. However, when I’m able to speak to her again (I’m sort of avoiding her right now.) I do need to tell her something.
The other day we were talking and she told me that she told my stepdad I have a boyfriend again. He’s incredibly bigoted. So. We’re talking and I asked how he took it. Mom said that my stepdad said it as his worst nightmare come true. (Which is true. When I was 15 and started dating he told me, seriously, that he’d rather I come home with a rapist than a black man.) Well. My mom has now instigated a policy that they are making sure to not tell anyone about D. Basically, it’s the family secret now.
I am just so hurt I can’t even be angry. So, I need to tell her that sometime, somehow. Soon. It’s over a line. Several of them.
Anyway, that’s all for now!