So, I have anxiety disorder with minor panic attacks. At first they thought it was depression, but upon further talking and all that, they (being my old doctor(s) ) realized that I’m not depressed. On a whole I’m really quite a happy, optimistic, jovial person.
However, I have anxiety. I am also blessed with minor panic attacks. Thankfully they are minor. I don’t talk about it much, ‘cuz..well, it’s intensely personal. I’m mostly un-medicated but do keep xanax around the house.
My “condition” is not severe enough to affect my day-to-day life, so when I’ve been on psychotropics (prozac, zoloft, etc) it’s affected me too much to take regularly.
Well, these last couple days have been really difficult. It actually culminated with us getting home and me having a panic attack and hyperventilating in the shower. It’s been about an hour now and my chest is still tight.
It’s frustrating. I have been aware for years that at times, my emotions take control over me, so I have gotten really anal about retaining control of them. It’s perhaps why I don’t express myself often though, because sometimes to me
it feels like I’m loosing control.
I’ve always had a hard time expressing my emotions, which is why I am fanatical about journaling. I’ve actually started a Tumblr account as a gratitude grimoire, though I may not share the link too often. I do currently have it posting to Twitter when I post one, but I may remove that. Not sure why, it’s one of those feelings inside. The Tumblr is for my gratitude journal (right now I’m putting up 2 posts a day for things I’m grateful for) and it’s also going to contain a lot of stuff about my spirituality, though I will include things like that here too.
This afternoon I broke down and actually crawled in the closet and closed the door. I ended up taking a Xanax to start evening out my emotions.
When I was younger I was a cutter, and the feelings started coming back. So I stayed in the closet until D came to see what was up.
After we got home from what we had to do I broke down and locked myself in the bathroom. D broke in right as I punched the bathtub. Bruised a knuckle. Whoops.
But it’s things like that which is why I have such a need to control myself, because when I actively let myself feel, it can get so extreme.
I think I menioned this once but when I was little I wasn’t really allowed to express my emotions. As such, I have no idea what to do with them when the pop up. I am completely out of my element, and lost. So, I think that just makes it worse, ya know?
I sent out a couple job applications yesterday and got a call for one today. Yay me, but with as many as D’s been sending out, it’s made both of us feel like shit. Him frustrated and jealous. And me? Well, I feel guilty on top of it all. Why’s it so hard for him but so easy for me?
It actually looks like the job they want to interview me for is not what I applied for. And, it looks like not only is it nothing I have interest in, but it’s nothing I have experience in. I emailed them for clarification, so we’ll see.
Anyway, that’s about it for now. I have more to say, but don’t have the words for it, so I’m just gonna keep it to myself for now.