So I remember when we first moved down here. That first day after we checked in, brought our few belongings up to the apartment and then took the car back to the airport … I had this “omigod omigod omigod… what the fuck have I done!?!?” feeling going on. Part of me was certain I’d made a retched, horrible mistake.
I was half in tears and half in a panic attack. Thankfully I was so tired and we had so much to do that I was able to keep it all in check. Since then we’ve had so much going on, so much settling and learning the area and minor stressors (like my paycheck being lost) that it’s been hard to have that emotional sense of “I’m home.”
I’ve been feeling like we’re on an extended vacation, ya know? Since the whole area is new (it’s not like we moved to Minneapolis, which I’m randomly familiar with) I’ve really been feeling like a tourist. Our apartment has been home to me in more ways than that this is the place where all my shit is at and it’s where I sleep, but it’s been… I haven’t felt “at home” yet.
I finally got that today. It was a total random and non-sequitur moment too. I recently got a set of japanese silk hog-tie cuffs to review. And they reek. So I hung them up on our patio so the breeze could blow through them in hopes of easing down the reek of them. Well, it was while I was walking to the balcony to grab those that I had it. This is home. I am home. It all hit me at once, though it was more of a coming into peace feeling rather than a bowling me down feeling.
I now know without a shadow of a doubt that this was the right move for me to make. I am happy here! I love it here! I love D more than ever, I am secure in my relationship and our cats love it here. The area is awesome and though D still doesn’t have a job, he has school here. I’ve gotten so many more opportunities and offers out here. And though I don’t believe it’s because I’m physically in a different place, this different place has had so many other positive affects on me and my life that it’s made me more receptive to different offers and changes and such.
*nods* Yes. This is the right place for me to be right now. We both recognize that someday we may leave San Francisco for another place. But it would have to be a really rockin’ offer.
Even as a person; emotionally, psychologically and spiritually I am better off here. I don’t constantly feel the need to hide myself, to hide who I am. I can be me outside the walls of my home now. It’s weird, it’s culture shock and I’m loving it!
Viva San Fransisco! LOL 😀