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Regrets

16 Aug

Blessed Be

Regrets are some of the hardest things to cope with in life.  My spiritual beliefs have helped me cope, for the most part, with mistakes I’ve made, or at least things I’ve done that I perceive as mistakes.

I know that the things I’ve done have lead me to where I’m at today.  Sometimes that makes it worse ‘cuz of a couple things we’re dealing with right now.  However, I’m with D and I love him.  I’m in a better place and there is a bright light at the end of my tunnel.

But there’s still things I wish I hadn’t done.  Some days it’s a struggle right now to not sit and brood on them, turning them over in my mind, wondering what possessed me to do thing x, y or z.  Why on Earth was I so stupid?

Granted then I sit back and remind myself of the things I’ve learned, I realize that I’m a smarter, wiser and bigger person than I was then.  Unfortunately I’ve also become a bit of a cynic.  Just a minute or two ago I texted to someone:

And you’re right.  There’s a good portion of our world that sucks hairy monkey balls.

The key is though, to remember that not everything is horrible. Not everyone is out to get me/us/you.  Although with the power hungry, money hungry society we live in, sometimes we have to take life by the horns and make it good.  We have to make our own happiness, someone else cannot do it for us. In a totally unrelated way and post, Coyote’s Kitten talked about it a bit. She talked about how some people are so wrapped up in their need for others, so wrapped up in how that person makes them happy (those are my own words; what I took from her post) that they are unable to live without said person.  I experienced that when my estranged husband left me almost 4 years ago.  I was so wrapped in how he made me happy that when he left me, I didn’t know how to make myself happy.

And then today while I was talking to my Mom she said something that illustrated it as well. Granted it’s not an exact quote, but this is the gist of it:

You gotta work your ass off to get anything or anywhere today.  Nothing is free, nothing is easy.

And how true is that?  You have to work to get anywhere in this world.  Unless of course you’re born to a fortune or some such thing, but how often does that happen eh?  You can’t just sit by and let others do it for you.  If you cannot stand on your own two feet, then who’s will you stand on? For me, it’s not so much that I haven’t been trying to not do it myself, I’ve been looking for the easiest ways.  The quickest, the ways that take the least amount of effort.  Well, no more. I was a fighter when I was young (figuratively speaking) and I’m finding that side of me again.  My stepfather beat it out of me (figuratively speaking again) but I know it’s down there inside of me.  It’s slowly coming back and I’m embracing that warrior aspect to me.  Quite happily embracing her.

Recently me and D have really gotten into watching Babylon 5.  I think perhaps it’s the singular best show I’ve ever watched.  But more than that, it’s inspiring.  It took me an episode or two to get into it, but we can sit and watch it for hours a day.  (Thankfully The WB has all 5 seasons up right now to watch online lol)  I am inspired by both the Narn and the Minbari.

“The universe speaks in many languages, but only one voice. The language is not narn or human or centauri or gaim or minbari. It speaks in the language of hope.”

“It speaks in the language of trust. It speaks in the language of strength and the language of compassion. It is the language of the heart and the language of the soul. But always it is the same voice. It is the voice of our ancestors speaking through us and the voice of our inheritors waiting to be born. The small, still voice that says: ‘We are one. No matter the blood, no matter the skin, no matter the world, no matter the star. .. We are one. No matter the pain, no matter the darkness, no matter the loss, no matter the fear. .. We are one.’ Here, gathered together in common cause, we begin to realize this singular truth and this singular rule that we must be kind to one another. Because each voice enriches us and ennobles us and each voice lost diminishes us. We are the voice of the universe, the soul of creation, the fire that will light our way to a better future. We are one.”

-- Sheridan / G'Kar in Babylon 5:"The Paragon of Animals"

(Right. So now that I copied and pasted that quote, it’s changed my font. Ugh..) How true is that? But (oh sweet I figured out my formatting issue!) … anyway.  Let me try this again.

So often I’ve been one who’s hooted and hollered about being unable to worry about my future because I don’t have much of a right now.  How can i make it to the future if I can’t make it through my today?  Well, while that is still true, my maternal clock has recently started ticking again.  (It does this to me time and again…about once every two months or so.)  And it’s gotten me thinking.  You know.  I can’t take birth control.  We don’t use condoms.  So, while we try to be careful, there is a very real chance I could get pregnant.  (Thankfully, we’ve recently found our sex drives again lol) And while we’re not trying, we’re realistic.  It could happen.

So if it does… what kind of life do I want my child to come in to?  We’ve pretty much decided that yes, we want children somday.  100% we want them.  Do I want to bring a child into a home that has such negativity in it?   No.  Do I want to bring a child into a home where I am stuck looking at the past, unable to look to the future?  No.  Do I want to even myself life in a home that’s filed with nothing but regrets, unwilling to move forward because of things that have already come to pass?  Not a chance!

So I’m done.  Done with it all.  While there’s always something going to happen, I’m done.  Every day, sometimes hourly I’m reminding myself that I’ve been through worse.  That I am strong and I am able to cope.  I have friends and family who care about me, who support me.  I have people I can lean on if need be and hopefully they know that they can lean on me if they need.

The past is there for us to learn from.  To take lessons from so we do not make the same mistakes, or even if we do to learn from them as those who came before learned from them.

Perhaps the one biggest thing bouncing around in my mind is “I/we should have known better.”  Well, perhaps I/we should have but I/we didn’t.  So what.  We’ve learned from it, we’re dealing with it and we are moving on.

“It takes a rare kind of wisdom to accept change and redemption in another. Many would refuse, seeing only what was, not what is.”

— G’Kar

 
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Posted by on August 16, 2010 in daily life

 

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