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Thinking.

20 Aug
Thinking.

Thinking

So ever since all this shit has happened, I’ve been thinking.  A lot.  Nothing bad.  Nothing good.  Just.. thinking.

Today we almost got evicted.  Since I had to get rid of my job I asked my boss of my other job for an advance on pay.  He pushed it through.  But, for some reason my check didn’t come today.  (they DID send it.)  So, my boss had to email my landlady to let her know that I really do have a paycheck on the way so we don’t get evicted.  *sigh* It was a long, long day.

Ever since the shit really hit the fan I’ve wanted to go home.  Honestly, ever since we got here I’ve missed home.  Naturally of course.  I’d only ever lived there.  A lot of what’s here just didn’t seem as awesome once we got here, but I figured it was just that I was adjusting to a new place, homesick and all that.  Since I was getting so much with my old job we were able to do things and that helped make up for it.  So I figured it was just moving-two-time-zones-away-adjustment.   (Just right now talking with D, I think a lot of my disenchantment is a lot that this city we’re in reminds me a lot of the city we left.  And it’s like, if I’m gonna be there, I wanna be there.  Not here-there.  I’d rather live actually in San Fran rather than a suburb.)

But then this happened.  And it seems like every week there’s been something happening and each week it’s been worse.  Every time something’s happened it’s been something worse.  I’ve had to take out personal loans, D still isn’t working, the symptoms of my cancer came back, I had to quit a ridiculously well paying job, we almost get evicted.  (Which we will if my check doesn’t come.  Ugh.) Perhaps the universe is trying to tell us something?

We had a very long talk today about going home.  Of course we need money to do that, but we ran through a lot of the subject matter on moving home.  I was at the point this morning of just taking my check and going.  Fuck it all.  But that’s the wrong way to do it.  Besides.  With how awesome our landlady has been through all this, I won’t do that to her.  She’s seen what we’ve gone through (some of which I haven’t – and won’t be talking about – talked about on here) and has been incredibly understanding.  (And my paycheck wouldn’t be enough.  We’d make it almost home, but not quite. )

D doesn’t want to go home and I don’t blame him.  Most of me doesn’t either.

I’m trying to decide if I’m running away from the problems we’ve had here?  Am I wanting to go there because things are here and there is familiar?  Or perhaps, we left home running away from our problems there.  I honestly can’t tell. Perhaps we left too quickly, we didn’t have any back up funds or anything, but we didn’t at home either.

D has left it up to me to decide if we go home.  We have interviews at this employment agency on Wednesday.  It’ll partially be determined by that.  Maybe we’ll both get work.  But, I don’t want another job.  If D doesn’t get one though, I’ll have to take another job.  I shouldn’t have to work two jobs 😦 But, I know that D isn’t not working on purpose.  If we went back to his home town there’d be a good chance he could get a job for his old boss if they’re hiring.  (One before the one where he got fired and all that.)  But, that’d be D’s hometown.  We certainly could move there, but we’d need a home set up right away.  If we moved back to the city where we lived prior to here, we could crash with some of my friends or something, but neither of us wants to do that.   I’m honestly thinking of doing this.  If we save up carefully, we can get an apartment set up and go to his home town.  It’s about an hour north of my home town; the city where we lived before we moved to Cali.

I’ve realized a few things in the last few days:

  • A lot of the reason we moved out here was ‘cuz of prejudice.  That meant we were letting other people directly influence our lives.  While some of it was truly directly focused at us.. I don’t like that we let that happen.
  • We wanted more things available to us.  Out here, while we have more stores and stuff here, a lot of them are perhaps 1-2 hours away on public transit!  Probably more driving in a car.  It takes us over an hour to get to Wal-mart!
  • Crime is more prevalent.  While we certainly knew that and the neighborhood that we moved into is really good, even just 2 blocks away isn’t.  The other day we were walking and I felt scared and unsafe.  I don’t like that.  At all.
  • I’ve discovered that I quite dislike suburb living.

Now, were we to move home, it would not be permanent.  It would be until we’re in a better place and can afford living in an actual big city.  It’s something (that I discovered, while writing this) that D had been thinking about too.  That he’d rather live in the city itself as well.  We think that perhaps while the place is right, the time wasn’t.  While we *had* to get out of that apartment we were in (we actually now have physical confirmation that they really were fucking with the books) I for one wish we’d have done it a different way.

However.  Hindsight is 20/20.  I can’t change what has happened, I can only affect what will happen.  So what will happen?  I don’t know.  We’ll be in San Francisco area for now at least another month.

 
5 Comments

Posted by on August 20, 2010 in daily life

 

Tags: , ,

5 responses to “Thinking.

  1. lunaKM

    August 20, 2010 at 7:06 PM

    That’s rough. You can always move to Iowa. I’d love to have you close 😉 The public transit in the town I live in rocks!

     
    • Jessie Beth

      August 25, 2010 at 10:36 PM

      LOL Yea, I’m thankful for the BART system here 😀 And, you can use a reloadable card that works on *all* the public transit systems in the East Bay Area. 🙂

      I mentioned Iowa to D and he almost vomitted (No offense!!!) I think we’re destined for coastal life, either East or West. We had enough of the Midwest 😉

      ….not that I wouldn’t wanna live by you!

       
  2. Jessica

    August 25, 2010 at 10:27 AM

    Oi. I’m sorry that everything seems to be going poorly. I especially am sorry to hear about your symptoms coming back. 😦 The only advice I have would be to try and focus on the good while you can, since you are going to be there for a little while no matter what anyway. Might as well not be miserable. I know it isn’t easy, and I am sure your anxiety doesn’t help, so I am sorry for that. It is really hard (for me at least, but I think most other people too) to try and find positive in the moment, when it seems like the present moment is so shitty. So our instinct is to look to the future instead, thinking if we just get through these obstacles now, we can build a future moment that will make us happy. But the problem with it is that the future we are then living for, looking forward to, may or may not even exist. Yes, moving back home might make you happy, but it could not as well. Who knows what situations will arise until you’re there? When you look at it that way, it really does no good to dwell on it now, when it is so unknown. So even though things are hard right now, accept your situation as it is, but try not to focus on the bad. Remember the power of the energy you have within you, because of the Goddess within yourself. When your soul is at peace, the world around you will settle and be peaceful as well, becuase YOU are the maker of your reality. Your problems won’t suddenly disappear, but the good that exists will not have to be overlooked because of the bad taking up your energy. You’ll attract good things by thinking them. So slow down and live in *now*. No moment matters except the one happening at this very moment. And the beauty of living in the now, is that even if the situation you find yourself in is not the best, it doesn’t need to define you, or even your mood. You, the real YOU, is not a prisoner of your body, or your mind, which is constantly struggling for control, by causing your thoughts to not be in the present. You have the magick within yourself to overcome this rough patch. Don’t ever stop believing in yourself, and be proud of all you have done and are still doing. You can do it, and I’m cheering you on!

     
    • Jessie Beth

      August 25, 2010 at 10:38 PM

      *hug*

      you know, I’d love to sit down and have tea/coffee/hot chocolate with you sometime!

       
      • Jessica

        August 26, 2010 at 12:13 AM

        I would love that. Emailed you!

         

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