So, I’m waiting for an appointment I have in about an hour so I was getting some work done. D had left for work so I cranked up Youtube and started listening to my favorite bands. Had some Manowar going for a while and then now I have Rammstein going. And I realized something; deep down I’m a hard rock/heavy metal chick that likes to dress thusly, and a tad bit punk. And throughout all of this spiritual awakening I’ve been going through I have totally forgotten this.
All of my life I have struggled with my sense of self. I’ve really struggled a lot with this because as much as I am a metal girl, I like denim and chains and spikes and black and leather sometimes I LOVE wearing heels and a dress and a skirt and my kitty ears (wearing my Hello Kitty ones right now! =^^=). So many of the people I grew up with were themselves which was one thing, ya know? They had one style of dress and all of their interests lined up with one another.
This is very dichotomous to me because my interests are all over the place! I can jam out to Rammstein and enjoy it just as much as sometimes I can jam out to Christina Aguilera or Mariah Carey!
So anyway, I was writing an article about anal sex. A sort of anal sex do’s and don’ts if you will. And something I wrote on there sort of triggered all of this within me. I honestly couldn’t tell you what it was that I wrote, but whatever it was really hit something for me and realized that even while I am so much more myself now than ever, I am still forcing certain aspects of myself to fit into pre-determined containers based on others, not myself.
Sure I like to be a kitty sometimes. But that doesn’t mean I have to be the same as how other people are! I’m my own damn kitty dammit! And just ‘cuz I like to sometimes wear dresses and be girly sometimes doesn’t mean it always has to be pink and flowery. I much prefer my pink to be hot pink bordered by black anyways.
So the moral of this post I think is that I’ve just had a really, really hard time figuring out how to incorporate all the aspects of my personality together but I think that in the end I had simply forgotten that all these different aspects are me. I’m just me. I’ve seen myself as having so many different personalities when in the end it’s all just one personality; mine. For example when I go clothes shopping I always drift to the more punkish/gothic/metal type stuff, but have always felt that I shouldn’t ‘cuz I’m a girl and I do have girly parts to me. So I’ll buy something pretty and feminine and wear it maybe once or twice and be totally uncomfortable in it. I need to find these aspects of myself that ARE myself. That aren’t me trying to be what “should” be I need to be what I “am.”
Well, it’s almost time for me to head to my appointment so I think I’m gonna watch some Youtube then get dressed to go.